I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
