i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
