When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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