nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It's blow job season.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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