I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
