His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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