Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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