I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
