Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
A+ Viking dick
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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