Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
