its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
