I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
