I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
