I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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