you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
