Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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