Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
