perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
