hotel room ftw
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
