Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Dignity is for republicans.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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