She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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