I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
