It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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