the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
