Where is the hickey?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
