We're facebook friends in real life
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
