hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
