Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
