Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
