In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
