Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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