She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
