Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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