I don't remember. Are we still dating?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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