he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
