Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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