so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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