be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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