I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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