I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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