he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
