we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
