I skipped work to stalk him.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
