We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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