not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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