i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
