Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
