I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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