Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
