is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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