I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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