This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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