There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
