can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
